Please Talk to Me :(

Article 1 in the Better Conversation Series

“They never talk to me” is the most common complaint I hear from codependents about their marriage.

I find this sad, especially because this person rarely sees how deep and tragic this wound inside them is.

A wound that is so deeply sad that I can hardly bring myself to write about it.

How many children are left lonely with no one they can talk to? This a hidden but tragic problem in our time-poor and addicted society at large.

The Codependent’s Gap

Codependence begins with a child taking care of a self-centred (and usually drug-addicted or alcoholic) parent.

What type of conversations do you think this child (was it you?) grew up listening to?

Their mother (or father) may have sat home drinking (or taking other drugs), feeling rejected or abandoned by their spouse, while the child was used as little more than a dumping ground for this parent’s tortured mind states and self-indulgent monologues.

This same parent may have often accused the child of not talking to them (just like their absent spouse) when the parent left no real possibility for a genuine conversation–and hence relationship–to develop and grow.

This child was probably also told how ‘special’ and important they were.

For being themselves? No… you guessed it; they were ever so special for ‘taking care of’ this parent by listening to them complain.

What does a codependent learn (or fail to learn) about conversation from this experience?

• To look for people they can dump their problems on?

• To expect attention and sympathy when in their worst states of mind?

• That blaming and complaining is a normal conversation?

• That being drunk, stoned, or otherwise intoxicated, is required to open up?

It amazes me the amount of time and money people will spend on their appearance while never considering that what comes out of their mouths gives their relationships life and depth.

If you wish that your partner talked to you more, I wonder if there are skills you lack that possibly might help?

Narcissists are Experts at Dodging!

Narcissistic individuals usually have also learned poor conversation skills growing up, generally more in the realm of knowing how to lie to get away from this same type of emotionally demanding parent.

“Yeah, sure, mum, I cleaned my room...  you are the best; I’ll see you later.”

Out the back door, while their codependent sister or brother sat at home ‘taking care’ of mum (or dad) because dad (or mum) isn’t home (again) or has permanently left.

Do you begin to see how this pattern in families repeatedly plays out?

I will publish an article series here shortly on improving your conversation skills, where I will tackle the enormous gap left in the lives of the people who grew up in this type of dysfunctional home.

Yes, I am promising another series! I haven’t forgotten the one I already promised on dealing with verbal abuse. I remember also that I promised that we would publish a new book soon.

I have tons of valuable content—already written—that I will be sharing with my audience over the next few months. Articles, yes, and since I figured out that the book we have been working on has gotten too long and needs to be broken into tasty and digestible chunks, I will also publish these as a series of new books (The Business of Marriage Series).

Much editing, compiling and organising is in progress here every day. In the meantime, I am counting on you (yes, you!) to help my audience grow!

Back to conversation skills. I wonder how many hours each week you spend on your appearance? Do you work out at the gym? Visit the hairdressers? Buy clothes? Put creams and potions on your lashes, face and nails?

And if there is just one of these routines that you might swap for working on developing better conversation skills?

I have a wound in this area, so addressing this gap in myself took time and courage. My conversation skills are still a work in progress, but together, I know we can help each other heal.

As always, I have collected the best research and information I can find on this subject, and today, I want to leave you with these challenges . . .

Challenge 1:

Spend at least 30 minutes a day reading something non-fiction about the world around you (not psychology, philosophy, etc.). This might be history, politics, science or local knowledge. See if you can find subjects that interest the people you regularly converse with.

Challenge 2:

Take time out to make a list of your family’s interests. Not what you think they should be interested in, but topics that currently engage them.

Add these topics to your reading list.

Challenge 3:

What interests you? Permit yourself to spend time each day exploring any subject you like.

Challenge 4:

Take time to listen to gifted storytellers. See if you can notice what techniques they use to engage their audience and make them laugh.

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I am working full-time on editing and compiling all the content we have produced over 17 years. There’s tons to come, and by necessity, eventually, not all of it will be free.

A big thank you to everyone who has helped support my work over the years! I feel like the luckiest woman in the world, as I can finally give the enormous task ahead of me the bulk of my time.

Steve has been my biggest supporter and has gifted me this by working to support me in this endeavour. Thank you, Steve!

If you enjoy my writing but cannot afford a paid subscription, I ask that you please take the time to like the posts you enjoy and share them with as many people as you can who you think might benefit from these insights.

Article 2 in this Series…