12 Steps to Resolving a Domestic

Win Love & Respect - Not the Argument

                             
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12 Steps to Resolving a Domestic

Keep these points handy; I promise your stupid, angry brain won’t remember!

1. Do Not Bring up that You Want to Separate or Divorce in the Heat of an Argument

This is not a decision to make when you are upset, and it will undoubtedly make the conflict worse.

If your partner says they hate you and want to leave you or similar hurtful things, remember they are angry and probably don’t mean what they say.

We all say things we don’t mean when we are angry.

Don’t say . . . “I am leaving”. . .  Do say . . . “I am leaving the room to go and calm down. I need some time to cool off”.

2. Don’t Make Ultimatums or Threats (both will return to haunt you!)

If you force someone to do what you want by threatening them, it will always be at the expense of your relationship and their love for you.

Threats rarely work anyway, as people do things more readily out of love than fear. Threats only breed resentment.

If your partner’s behaviour is unacceptable, you must learn other skills and techniques to set boundaries and limit that behaviour. Threats will not help resolve a domestic and will only escalate the fight.

Don’t say . . . “Stop saying that, or I will not come home tonight”. . . Do say . . . “I want to talk to you, but when we have both calmed down, and you can be more patient with me, I need time to cool off right now.”

3. Stop Thinking You Need Your Partner to do What You Want them to Straight Away

They cannot help you now as they are tied up in dealing with their own negative emotions. Be wise and give yourself and your partner both some time and space.

4. Take Care of Your Own Hurt

If you need to get away from your partner to feel safe and get some quiet time, do so, but clearly say where you are going, when you will be back, and that you need some time to cool off. Say that you are too upset to talk anymore and need space to care for yourself. If they give you time alone without disturbing you, stay where you are, but don’t wait for your partner to come and see you to ‘make up’ or make you feel better. They need time to calm down, too.

If they walk out on you, forget about them for now and take care of yourself.

Suppose you have kids; reassure them that you are okay and things will be alright. No matter how hurt you feel, be brave and strong for your kids; they love strength in a parent and will adore you for it. If you can, ask a neighbour to watch the kids for an hour and then do what you must to feel better. This might be listening to ‘Lovable Me’ or some calming music you like, taking a walk somewhere nice, having a bath or shower or listening to the rain (or a recording of rain sounds). If there is no one to watch the kids, take them for a walk or to the park.

Learning to soothe yourself and get back to being happy, regardless of how your partner is feeling or behaving, is one of the most essential skills you will ever learn to be more emotionally intelligent and attractive.

5. Do Not Drink, Use Drugs or Talk About the Fight - These Actions Will Only Fuel Your Bad Feelings

Likewise, do NOT work yourself up further by swinging your arms around, like using a punching bag or chopping wood. It was once thought that this helped get your anger out, but it has been shown in many research studies that it doesn’t; doing something calming is much better.

You will change how you feel by changing your focus.

Focus on something calm and beautiful; your feelings will eventually go in that direction.

Start by sitting, lying down or going for a walk. Give it some time, and the bad feelings will pass.

Like baking a cake, your emotions are a chemical reaction. Turning the oven on is like deciding to be happy. Give baking your ‘happiness cake’ the time it needs in the oven.

Your angry brain will say that you can’t be happy now - but none of our angry brains are brilliant thinkers.

Choose something that always makes you happy to focus on, and you will feel better soon.

6. Decide You are Not Going to Think About the Problem While you are Upset

It can take nearly two days to calm down once you lose your cool.

Make a note on a piece of paper about what first upset you. Then, leave it until you are entirely calm before you think about that situation again or determine what you will do about whatever triggered your anger.

The voice in our head that talks to us when we are angry tells us to do things we will usually regret later.

Wise, successful people do not listen to that voice or take what other people say to them personally when they are angry or upset.

7. No Matter How Much You Might Feel Like Hurting Your Partner by Saying or Doing Mean Things, Try and be Honest About Your Own Hurt

Say, “I feel very hurt about what you are saying to me, and I need some time to calm down. I hope we can get past this”.

You can also reassure your partner that you will stand by them and that, even though you are angry, you will not leave them (if you can do this honestly).

Having the courage to admit your hurt, vulnerability, and love is much more courageous and powerful than trying to control your partner with aggression and intimidation.

Don’t say . . . “I have always hated you. You are a narcissist ....” Do say . . . “I feel very hurt by what you are saying, and I’m angry at you, but I also really love you. So right now, I need time to calm down before I say anything I don’t mean.”

8. If Your Partner is Not Answering You, Understand it May be Because They Are Emotionally Overwhelmed

This generally happens to men faster than women. When faced with criticism or conflict, it is very human to reach a point where we freeze up. Understand this, and don’t assume they are ignoring or trying to hurt you further.

Silence in a fight equals emotional overwhelm, and you need to give them time to recover their emotional balance before they can talk to you. This may even take a day or two.

Don’t say . . . “Stop ignoring me!”. . . Do say . . . “I need some time to cool off, and you probably do too. I am going to take some time out now. I am not attacking you. I hope we can discuss this more amicably when you are ready”.

9. Don’t Ignore What the Fight Was About

Refer to your notes about what triggered the fight a few days later. Only when you are calm should you decide what action to take.

Anger is a clear sign that your boundary has been crossed, and you need to work on how to defend it. Complaining to your partner will probably not help. Our books will assist you with this.

Note: A boundary is just like it sounds. It is the line of what behaviour you find comfortable accepting from others. For instance, if someone is rude to you, this line has been ‘trespassed’. Make a note of what upset you to consider later when you are calm, and you can figure out how to stop this from happening again. This is just as important as calming yourself in the heat of the moment.

You can read more about boundaries here and learn more about limiting your partner’s disrespectful behaviour from our eBooks.

10. Don’t Bring up the Conversation Again Until You Have Decided How You are Going to Defend This Boundary so it is Not Crossed Again

You should leave this for at least two or three days.

If the neighbour’s horse eats your roses, you should not tell it to stop - but put up a fence. Likewise, asking a person to change is not setting a boundary.

Too often these days, no contact (previously known as the silent treatment) is suggested as the only boundary that will be effective. This is dangerous advice. No contact will usually escalate the conflict and turn you into an emotional abuser.

It is much better to learn to end conversations that are disrespectful towards you early. I will write another article soon about how to do this.

11. When You See Your Partner Again, be Ready to Offer an Olive Branch

When you first see your partner again, say you need a few days to think about the fight, and you don’t want to talk about it right now.

Try to be light. Remember that admitting you are sorry or embarrassed might be challenging but is very attractive.

You will have a chance to work on defending your boundaries better later; for now, start by considering how you may have crossed your partner’s boundary.

 It is easy for fights to flare around two days after an upset, so give it time for you to completely calm down before you tackle the issue. Just remember what you value about your relationship and what you have in common.

Learning to discuss your differences in a way that is creative and constructive will take patience and humility; humour is a better place to start working on this than self-righteous indignation.

12. Don’t Tell Yourself that the conflict Must be Resolved immediately

The more pressing the matter, the more critical it is that you take the time to calm down.

If your partner is uncooperative and you feel you need them, change your plans and organise things differently without expecting them to help.

Practising this will help you become more flexible, and in time, you will become better at shifting your plans not to include a person who does not want to cooperate. This does not mean you should take responsibility for tasks that are not yours to manage. If a person becomes irresponsible when angry, they may need to experience the consequences of this without you jumping in to rescue them.

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You will probably never change your initial reaction of anger when you are disrespected. This would not be healthy anyway, as anger is an important signal, but you can adjust how you respond.

You will learn to control your response with practice, like exercising a muscle.

When you feel your emotions flare, think . . . “Now I have a great chance to exercise self-control”.

This is not about bottling up your emotions. It is a healthy sign that you get angry when treated rudely, but you must train yourself to let the anger go and wait until you are entirely calm before dealing with the problem.

Say that you are angry if this is appropriate, but also learn to regulate and control your response, taking note of what initially triggered you and making sure you take the time to deal with the problem later—once you are calm.

Our anger is a clear sign that something is amiss in our lives, but there is rarely a benefit from acting out in the heat of the moment.

Practice these skills, and you will undoubtedly see every aspect of your life improve . . .